Dear Jen

Dear future Jen,

You have aged tremendously in the past years. Your progress has been impressive, though. Apart from the binge eating and cravings, the usual craziness that goes along with PMS, the highs and the lows of workloads and the day to day routines that make life more exciting, I’d say your pretty alright to me. I’d say congratulations but I am sure that you’d frown upon my laudatory remarks.  The fine lines and wrinkles in your forehead serves as a memento that you have, after all, learned to toughen things it up. 

A lot of things happened in the last two years. The last two years was one of the defining moments of your life. You are no stranger to struggles and heartbreaks except 2012 proved to be the toughest year yet. It was one of the worst heartbreak that you had to go through. Clearly, heart break is an understatement. You were devastated, thwarted, torn and left incapacitated. 

You never expected that your father’s passing away would have left you so broken and so lost. It left you cautious and in so doing, created an invisible bubble. Until now, I can still see that you are picking up the pieces, still finding your way out from the black hole. 

You still are in distraught and inconsolable. Admit it, there is still a tinge of denial in your eyes.  I tell you, I will never go easy on you. Nevertheless, consider this as unsolicited advice; your heart will continue to bleed in the coming days, weeks, months and years.  Over the years (even after his passing away), it will still hurt a bit (and a bit means a lot!). It is reasonable that you cry, that you sob in the secret corner of your room and perhaps, you will even feel that your future with your doting father has been robbed off from you. It is the COLD TRUTH and there’s no getting over it. You just have to let it go. 

Here’s the surprising part,though. You will be astounded on how your inner strength has carried you over the days. Your spirit to thrive will come a long way and with the support of generous people surrounding you, you will definitely come through and rise above it all. 

Baby steps and that is all that you need. Nobody is asking you to stop grieving over your loss. Take things one step at a time and may I ask that you be kind to yourself. Go easy on yourself! You deserve that. You deserve to live a life that is full even if it means that temporarily your beloved Father has to embark on a journey without you. Learn to let go but never let go of the memories and the precious time you both have shared.

With much love,

The Older version of Jen

going the distance

Our coming together was the one shot we had to make. We made it happen. inspite and despite of the distance, you made an extra effort to make things easier for a neophyte like me.It was not a walk in the park. we had to endure off hours to chat and even, do video calling. We were amazed of the many similarities that we have. We discovered, altogether that we are imperfect and that we have a long way to go, a long, long way to go. Life is full of surprises and at times, we have disagreements and some quiet moments but, we will surely make it . Thank you for being the grandest surprise of my life. And i am sorry if i broke your heart over and over again. :(

the Relopez sisterhood

Today, happens to be the 33rd Birthday of my sister! Although, we are miles away from her, we wanted to surprise her.

Here's my nephew with his own Do-it-yourself Birthday card for her Mama.

I love you sister (to bits)!

defenseless

Unwanted feelings and memories started kicking in. Needless to say, i am just defenseless and useless when these things get me. I just can't stop myself from thinking what i could have done to make things better. I could have done or said something to simply put us out of our misery. If only i could have been stronger, bolder and just accepting.

Now, it's too late to seek for redemption and i guess i will never know the truth to our supposedly story. It shall remain in the shadows, in our not-so distant past.

I will never be sorry but then again, if i could have just said "yes" instead of saying "no".

Let us be happy and live our lives to the fullest.

Things will be better and we shall start a new chapter with much love and respect of what we truly have.

Thank you and Here's to us!

i got em' memorized!

Today, i am convinced that i am a walking contradiction. I know for a fact that there are bad days and definitely, there are good ones.

I feel like there isn't enough time and so i want to do things by the book. I am a creature of habit and it is really difficult for me to break away from my routines.

I would rather stay on the safe side than to explore the unexplored. It has its adavantages since i work well with routines.

At times, i wish that i would be bolder and that "courage" would be one of those traits that i would love to acquire. In the near future, i would love to say that i have ended all my lingering "What ifs" and "Could have beens". In the coming days, months, i will be reinvented - a better and a much improved "ME" for the year 2012.