If there’s one thing that I abhor the most in this world, that would be saying goodbye. It has always been hard for me to let go of something or someone that I have grown to love. Just the thought that I am letting go of something that has been a part of me makes me feel awful. Being separated from somebody that you always long for or leaving someone behind that you ache to be with or perhaps losing something that is irreplaceable or just saying adieu to something/someone that is no longer a part of your life is never the easiest thing to do. In fact, it takes a lot of courage and will power.
I always have a hard time saying goodbye and it sucks to know that I am a coward when it comes to what I call the “Blurry Exodus Moments aka BEM” of my life. In evading possible BEM drama, I have little by little learned to master a new skill that I call “The Shield”. I learned to develop pseudo-immunity against possible exits in my life. If I feel that things are not that great, I slowly detach myself. I keep things to myself and I lock myself up – meaning I try to put some distance and I spend a lot of time just enjoying / doing things on my own. I engage in new activities that would keep me preoccupied. I try to keep myself busy and try to expose myself with a whole new things. As others put it, I become a total stranger to them but they are clueless on how hard I try not to let my emotions get in the way. The bitter truth is I am hurting too but it’s the best way that I can think of as to make the pain of losing bearable.. tolerable… less painful. A not so subtle and graceful exit…
One thing that I always try to keep in mind is that better days are yet to come and think that Changes will most likely give me some amusing and unimaginable twists and turns. There is always a beginning and an end, so no matter how hard I try to escape the feeling of being lost, lonely and disillusioned, I will soon get tired of running from them thus it’s best to deal with it and learn from the experience.
There will always be good days and bad days. It just takes a little getting use to and sooner or later I'll be back on my feet again... maybe not as good as new but better than ever. It is heartbreaking and unbearable at first but the hurt and pain gets better as the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years pass me by. Eventually, I learn to deal with the pain and you slowly pick up the pieces and start living the best I can with God's grace and the people around me. Dusting off the dust is something that needs to be done and learning to trust that things will be better in time is the key to letting go.
Needless to say, letting go of something / someone makes me a bit wiser and stronger. It makes me see that I am capable of doing things that are inconceivable to bear, that I am made to last a lifetime and I am not too weak as I thought to be. I become resilient yet hopeful. I’ve learned that human relations are as much as complex as the years go by but gets better and better when you learn to compromise and accept and let go. The things that I have missed will eventually find its way back to me somehow, someday!
XOXO,
Jen
